As a certain frog once said, it ain’t easy being green. Well, I don’t know anything about that, but sometimes, it ain’t easy being attractive to weirdos. I’ve got that unapproachable face which means most normal men steer clear of (too much of a challenge). Hence the weirdos. But they’re not fussy. They have no type.
I saw a tweet from a certain Cerys Kenneally when she was trying to get rid of a creep who kept popping up on Facebook – ‘Hey darlin’. Which in turn, inspired me to write a guide of how to get rid of total creeps. On facebook, in bars, in the supermarket. Anywhere. I mean, does it have to be so obvious? Why can’t people just come up to you and start a conversation, make you laugh, instead of ‘Alright darling, you’ve got a cracking pair.’ What kind of man thinks a girl would hear that and think ‘He sounds like a great guy, I must snog his face off/suck his toes/etc?’
(I once got ‘hit on’ in a Halloween shop. He said, “So do you uh, have like, MySpace?” [it was 2008 and he was an American hipster]. I said, “yeah.” “What’s your username?” “Erm, I can’t remember.” [Lesson 1: Don’t reveal any point of contact] “Do you have a like, uh, boyfriend?” “No. Erm, I mean, yes.” [Lesson 2: Stick to your story]. The rest of the purchase was completed in uncomfortable silence. I had a lot to learn about shunning men)
Most of these are man-specific, not because I think all men are creepy weirdos. I know you’re better than that, unspecified male reader. I’m drawing from personal experiences. And my friends’ experiences. And films.*
*Not all of these are proven to work in real life
PROBLEM: There’s that one guy who will start up a conversation EVERY time you go online on facebook, which almost certainly means he never shuts your window and sits there waiting for you to come online. You are polite but attempt to convey that you are not his ‘darling’, ‘hun’ or ‘babe’.
SOLUTION: Put him in his own ‘friend’ group (or with the other weirdos). Never go online to that group. Some may say it’s harsh, but it’s less embarrassing for everyone.
PROBLEM: You’re at a club, or a pub, or whatever, waiting for the bar, your mate…You don’t have any mate armour. You are approached by an over-enthusiastic Labrador, I mean teenage boy, and they’re not really taking your hint that you just aren’t interested.
SOLUTION:. Keep looking over their shoulder, and finally, wave and walk past them like you saw somebody you know. Just keep on walking. Don’t look back. It works best in a crowded bar (this one’s courtesy of my mate Sid).
PROBLEM. You’re trying to speak to your mates or have a fag or work out when you’re least likely to get merked for asking the DJ to play Skrillex. You’re approached by a ‘lad’, or a pack of them (what’s the collective noun for a group of ‘lads’? Answers on the back of a postcard). You can’t be arsed to listen to their ‘shanter’ (shit banter) and even worse, them actually talking about how great their ‘banter’ is.
SOLUTION: Pretend to be from another country and that you can’t understand them. If you know other languages, bonus. If you know weird languages, double bonus. Talk in a strong accent and shrug a lot. They might find it interesting for a couple of minutes, but soon they’ll get bored and find another unwitting girl to hassle.
PROBLEM: You were having a conversation with an ok-looking bloke. It was going really well, until you started to get a bit bored because he’s been talking about something you have no interest in for twenty minutes.
SOLUTION: Geek out even further than he’s done already. Get really specific. Jump on any chance you can to interrupt and spiel about your specialist subject in painstaking detail. He will either be confused or pissed off you interrupted him with your shit story. Either way, you win.
PROBLEM: A guy comes up to you and starts asking you inane questions.
SOLUTION: (My friend Alex does this, because she’s really good at debating. If you’re not, avoid). Question him on important topical issues. Ask them what they think and WHY. Tell them they’re wrong. Tell them again. They’ll eventually decide it’s not worth it and retreat.
Here are some quick solutions that can be used in most situations:
Have a hot male friend you can wheel out to pretend to be your boyfriend, or just generally look hot and intimidating to other men.
Call them the wrong name all night. Even, nay, ESPECIALLY if they correct you.
Pretend you’ve lost something and start looking at the floor. If this backfires and they try to help you, say you’re looking for something that’d make them socially uncomfortable, like pile cream or tampons.
If all else fails, hide. If you hide for long enough, they will probably go away.
It can happen anywhere. In the library, on a train, at church. Probably.